Throw up vs. Vomit

It doesn't matter what you call it, all I know is I can't get the smell out of my car. Apparently 6 year olds can get car sick. Who freaking knew? All I remember of this lasting moment is the slo-mo vision of my son expeling bucketsful of orange slop in the backseat of my semi-new car. I might as well trade it in because the smell is lingering like the pesky dead body of an ex-boyfriend. I bet if I drove my car into a deep ravine, the ravine would start to smell like puke. I bet if I drove it into a lake, all of the fish would taste like vomit.

Everytime I get in my car, I get queasy. I hate the smell of throw-up. When I smell it, the contents in my tummy start to behave as though they are training for the circus. The only exit is up. It takes just about all I have to keep my intenstines from making a guest appearance on the side of my car.

Vinegar doesn't work, Febreeze doesn't work, a stink bomb doesn't work, cutting out the fabric and interlacing the hole with yarn and potpourri doesn't work. I am considering asking him to poop in my car to mask the smell of his throw-up. My rationale is that I am a sympathetic puker, not a sympathetic pooper.

Marathon Blues

I was so bummed about the Pasadena Marathon being cancelled, I lounged on my couch all day and watched Friday Night Lights until I couldn't stand it anymore and then proceeded to move to my bedroom and watch the 5th season of The Wire until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. Plus I ate chips and drank some beer. This is the kind of marathon training I've been missing.

In a few days, I'll don the sneakers and get back on the horse for the next race, but until then, YES that is a greasy cheese stain on the front of my shirt and YES that is a double chin on my face...and NO, I will not get up and fetch you a beer.

That requires moving.

I'll be your Huckleberry

A real heartfelt email exchange between dear friends of nearly 20 years; In case you can't tell below, I am consoling Thomas, who is currently in the mad throes of a divorce.

From Thomas:
Berg was taking his act on the road-to Dublin IRELAND! He has been with this troupe that has been doing a well received show satirizing a famous play which I can't remember. They were to perform at a fringe festival in Ireland.Otherwise, he is working at Citi and doing his theatre work and some video stuff as well I believe. 20th Class Reunion!!! Man, I don't know if I want some old chick staying at my place.It might cramp my style. Me and Goober are probably going to Mammoth Cave and Dinosaur World this weekend.I should have a place by this summer. I only got a 6 month lease on an apartment so I could find a place this spring.

From me:
That's right, and I thought the bastard was just ignoring me. I was wondeirng if his job got cut at Citi, I know they are laying people off. I may be old but you, my friend, are older. You are older than dirt, older than the hills, older than fossil fuel, and yet you have managed to be as immature as a training bra. I won't cramp your style, trust me, however, you start acting like grumpy gramps when I am trying to make out with the ex football star from high school, I swear, I will hide your bottle of viagra when you try to schwing yer boner while watching "grannies gone mild". Have fun with Joe, tell him hi for me. Make sure you get something set up for my visit. I don't want to sleep in a trailer either.

From Thomas:
I don't think his job was cut at Citi and I think he was just ignoring you ,too. If you start making out with the fat,bald ex-jock I'll break out my video camera and video my own senior citizen goes mild. After that I may have to get a prescription for viagra because just the thought will probably induce impotency for decades. By the way, if your reunion is this summer don't worry about sleeping in my trailer. I doubt I'll have any AC, so we'll just sleep out on my double-wide's porch. Excuse me, did yopu just have LA and real people in the same sentence? Was that an oxy, moron?

From Me:
I will spare you the sight of me making out with some dude as you would probably have a massive heart attack from all the action you aren't getting. When was the last time you got laid and not by your own digits?

Good to see you are the same old crusty Thomas I have come to know (albeit begrudgingly) and love!

Did I tell you me and my old man broke up(he may have been older than you actually) and after the first couple of months, things are a lot better. It gets immeasureably better, it really does. It helps if you are a total hottie (which I am) and more difficult if you are old with a perpetual frown on your face (which you do), but fortunately for you, time is blind.

...I don't know why more people don't call me up when they need consolation.

Separation of Church and State

When I look at the map of the United States that shows us which candidate is winning the electoral votes in what state, I do a little happy jig because right now, Obama is leading in electoral votes, but I can't help but feel a small shiver of dread run down my spine when I see just how large the red states are. I mean, I know square mileage doesn't count but it is still a painful kick in the fovia to clearly see all that RED.

It must be like a subconscious gag reflex because I swear, whenever I look at a map that clearly delineates the bible belt and supporters of our current administration, I get this uncontrollable urge to ask a staunch republican to smack my ass with a King James 2000, which is weird because I was force-fed the New American Standard.

I bleed, therefore I rag...

...monthly.

You were waiting for it, so I did it. Sue me for being so obtuse and while you're up, can you get me a chocolate bar, the size of a New York City block, please?

Fluff

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Credit is soooo last spring.

Let me just preface this paragraph with one statement:

I am not a financial wizard, but I can balance a checkbook which appears to be a lost art.

What do I think about the government "bail out" plan? For starters, to call it anything else would be a delusion. Regardless of all of the hacks on Wall Street who put the rest of the country on our current financial precipice, a situation where they will be the only winners and the rest of us, will lose again. They came up with a plan that will take the heat off of their greedy asses and make Everyman scrape the bottom of the barrel to foot the bill.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

But in a world where banks are collapsing and the value of the once almighty dollar is drastically shrinking, something has got to be done. The government bail out is not ideal but SOMETHING has got to be done to prop up our crippled economy.

It hit home for me today as I was sitting in a meeting. Our company is doing well on the NSYE during this crisis. Our stock has been going up and up while everything else has been plummeting. The REIT market in general seems to be faring well. HOWEVER, if the banks don't start lending money soon and we can't tap into our line of credit, despite how well we are doing, the layoffs will be inevitable.

yeah, it is uncomfortably close to home. So though I am not crazy about the thought of the government (or anyone else for that matter) coming in and saving the rich asshats and when I mean save, I mean preventing them from losing their Hampton summer homes, something has to be done or the rest of us peons will know what it is to be truly poor, hungry and destitute...and there is nothing more depressing to think that my 2-bit hooker ass can only bring in 1-bit.

MISSING...

The only thing that is missing from this photo is Cole.

Otherwise it would have been a perfect day.

ISO: Penis

If I play the same role a typical responsible man does in our modern day society, I just want to know, where is my penis?

I feel gyped...and yes I have penis envy.

Packing up and moving to Utah

No really, seriously, I am packing up my shit and moving to Utah, the state that allows polygamy. Marcus and Shawna, will you guys be my lawfully wedded couple? To love and to hold, in sickness and in health, and all the rest of it?

What a smokin' hot couple. They have going on in all departments. Here is my proposal, we could tag team all night fueled by real affection and tenderness and then clean the house naked!

Nothing says "I do" like great sex and a hot ass on a sqeaky clean countertop.