The Monthly Rag

Maybe this should be called the daily poop...But that would imply posts would go up on a daily basis and that shit just aint gonna happen.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I'll be your Huckleberry

A real heartfelt email exchange between dear friends of nearly 20 years; In case you can't tell below, I am consoling Thomas, who is currently in the mad throes of a divorce.

From Thomas:
Berg was taking his act on the road-to Dublin IRELAND! He has been with this troupe that has been doing a well received show satirizing a famous play which I can't remember. They were to perform at a fringe festival in Ireland.Otherwise, he is working at Citi and doing his theatre work and some video stuff as well I believe. 20th Class Reunion!!! Man, I don't know if I want some old chick staying at my place.It might cramp my style. Me and Goober are probably going to Mammoth Cave and Dinosaur World this weekend.I should have a place by this summer. I only got a 6 month lease on an apartment so I could find a place this spring.

From me:
That's right, and I thought the bastard was just ignoring me. I was wondeirng if his job got cut at Citi, I know they are laying people off. I may be old but you, my friend, are older. You are older than dirt, older than the hills, older than fossil fuel, and yet you have managed to be as immature as a training bra. I won't cramp your style, trust me, however, you start acting like grumpy gramps when I am trying to make out with the ex football star from high school, I swear, I will hide your bottle of viagra when you try to schwing yer boner while watching "grannies gone mild". Have fun with Joe, tell him hi for me. Make sure you get something set up for my visit. I don't want to sleep in a trailer either.

From Thomas:
I don't think his job was cut at Citi and I think he was just ignoring you ,too. If you start making out with the fat,bald ex-jock I'll break out my video camera and video my own senior citizen goes mild. After that I may have to get a prescription for viagra because just the thought will probably induce impotency for decades. By the way, if your reunion is this summer don't worry about sleeping in my trailer. I doubt I'll have any AC, so we'll just sleep out on my double-wide's porch. Excuse me, did yopu just have LA and real people in the same sentence? Was that an oxy, moron?

From Me:
I will spare you the sight of me making out with some dude as you would probably have a massive heart attack from all the action you aren't getting. When was the last time you got laid and not by your own digits?

Good to see you are the same old crusty Thomas I have come to know (albeit begrudgingly) and love!

Did I tell you me and my old man broke up(he may have been older than you actually) and after the first couple of months, things are a lot better. It gets immeasureably better, it really does. It helps if you are a total hottie (which I am) and more difficult if you are old with a perpetual frown on your face (which you do), but fortunately for you, time is blind.

...I don't know why more people don't call me up when they need consolation.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Separation of Church and State

When I look at the map of the United States that shows us which candidate is winning the electoral votes in what state, I do a little happy jig because right now, Obama is leading in electoral votes, but I can't help but feel a small shiver of dread run down my spine when I see just how large the red states are. I mean, I know square mileage doesn't count but it is still a painful kick in the fovia to clearly see all that RED.

It must be like a subconscious gag reflex because I swear, whenever I look at a map that clearly delineates the bible belt and supporters of our current administration, I get this uncontrollable urge to ask a staunch republican to smack my ass with a King James 2000, which is weird because I was force-fed the New American Standard.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I bleed, therefore I rag...

...monthly.

You were waiting for it, so I did it. Sue me for being so obtuse and while you're up, can you get me a chocolate bar, the size of a New York City block, please?

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Fluff

Jay-sus, what be up with me as of late? I turned into a cream puff with a soft and sickley sweet inner goo. blech, I used to take some pride in being tough, irreverent, shocking and offensive. I also took pride in that when men met me, they wondered just how much larger my balls were compared to theirs. And when I was younger, if they asked nicely, I'd gladly show them. Now I'm all, please don't touch me, I'm not in the right frame of mind- WTF?...and even worse, I can't type the words motherfucking cocksucker without worry what people will think. Oye-ve! What the hell happened?

Now I am an average joe writer making average joe commentaries about an average joe existence. I don't mind being an average joe, I just don't want to act or write like one.

Something must be done about this...and how.