Essence, youthful essence that is.

I'm going to make a confession and it is slightly embarrassing, but not embarrassing enough to keep it under the sink. After all, in a few short weeks, all of you bitches are going to be asking me what I have done different. What's causing my unexpected glow; have I lost a few pounds? Have I quit drinking? Am I pregnant?(and the answer to this last one is no, no, no!)

"Nothing of the sort," I'll reply rather smugly. But then, I'll lean into you in a conspiratorial manner and whisper in your ear,

"you mention this to anyone, and I'll slit your throat with a butter knife..."

...and of course you'll agree to keep your trap shut because you want to know why I look so glow-y and youthful and you don't want your throat slit.

I got suckered into an infomercial and bought Susan Lucci's Youthful Essence off the boob tube one bored and uneventful Saturday afternoon. I figured if Susan Lucci, who is about as old as dirt but looks young enough to be my mom uses this stuff, then I'm gonna try it too. Prior to Mz Lucci's Youthful Essence, my beauty regimen included washing my face with Irish Spring while rinsing out my hair in the shower. I be fancy.

After I ripped open the box of youth and slathered that crap all over my face, it felt like a baby's ass and I loved it.

Naturally, I quit using it because it took too much effort to feel like a smooth bottom. Until this week...my face decided to relive the days of our youth and pop out some zits and dry skin. Which doesn't make sense...how can my face be super, flaky, leper-dry and still pump out enough grease to cause some major volcanic activity? So enters Susan Lucci from underneath the sink cabinet...I microdermal-abrasioned my face and it again feels baby ass smooth.

I'll probably use and abuse Susan and her essence until I get bored or lazy, but in the meantime, if you see me, you don't have to worry about my DNA samples flaking off my cheek and gently settling on your collar when I hug you hello.